Ahhh the beauty of celebrity sugar daddy breakups. She said this, he said that– and what happens?
The young and saddened sugar baby walks away with a very large void. A void large enough to fit a Bentley, dog, and $90k engagement ring, which to date, the sugar baby also had the pleasure of taking with her. Who are the saps who went through this? Why, none other than Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris of course!
This got me thinking– what if Hugh was my sugar daddy, or what if he was yours? Would I run too like Crystal Harris did? Probably. But if I didn’t, these would be 10 things to consider if he was my sugar daddy.
10 Things to Consider When Hugh Hefner is Your SD:
10. He may lock you in a basement.
Now this hasn’t been confirmed, but I can tell you if you’re 25 and he’s 85, your hot ass is not going to see the light of day, and just where can you find a lack of daylight? A basement.
9. Bedtime is 8pm, and wake-up is 4am.
Seniors, huh, always early to bed and early to rise! Think your inner clock can handle that?
8. Get used to Cary Grant films.
I once dated a SD who was only 25 years older than me and I watched enough black and white films to de-colorize my life more than I could handle. Colorless entertainment only seems good in small doses.
7. Hugh is not a drug you’ll be addicted to.
Some SDs draw you in with their distinction and manly smell where you’ll want to be around them as much as possible. Others, like Hugh, often have grey pubes and saggy balls. NOT the kind of saggy balls you want in your mouth… or your hand.
6. Pray to the Gods that you’re not allergic to silk.
One thing Hugh is always dressed in, surrounded by, and laying on? You guessed it, silk. Silk sheets, bath towels, paisley slippers and robes—yuck! Like nails to a chalkboard, silk is almost as offensive.
5. Ancient strains of dormant STDs.
As long as Hugh has been “the man”, he’s had and will continue to have, ANY woman. Don’t be surprised if the first STD that ever was, is graciously bestowed upon you. Is it a coincidence that the bunnies are always keeping it in the family there at the mansion? Once a bunny, always a bunny.
4. Long walks on the beach —I mean short strolls to the backyard.
Healthy for his age doesn’t mean healthy for YOUR age. You need to move, get out, spread your wings and fly!! Not going to happen if you live at the mansion, I mean—you’re in a basement, remember?
3. Know how to make a mean bowl of oatmeal.
What, you think bacon, eggs and moons over my hammy frequent the Hef’s breakfast du jour? Eh, eh—not in that age range girlie. It’s breaky sans salt, fat or flavor. Steel cut home made oatmeal is probably what the doctor ordered. So c’est la vie to gourmet breakfast in bed.
2. Learn how to read.
I know, I know—“read?” you say? Well, in a word, yes. Bid on some vintage Hooked on Phonics from Ebay (worked for me), start from the beginning and work your way up to Animal Farm, a 10th grade read. The thing is, if you can’t go anywhere because Hugh has you in the basement and you guys are having a quiet evening at home, what is a girl to do? Eat?—No, no, no… you just can’t do that! Try reading, you never know, it might be *enjoyable!
*not a guarantee
1. Hire an attorney.
Using the allowance Hugh gives you, hire your very own attorney in the event that you decide to marry each other. You’ll want to walk away with more than a Bentley, ring and dog if things don’t work out.
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